Thief!
by Ponyboy '92
Summary: AU: Central High, notorious public school where illegal activity is A OK, and Edward Elric is the newest student. And then there's Envy, local klepto with a little big crush. This looks like trouble. :EnvyEd
1. The Godfather

**Thief!**

I don't know what came over me. One moment I'm washing dishes, and the next I'm at my computer, writing fanfiction that I've never even _considered_ writing before. Fullmetal Alchemist was just too precious for me to dilute with my fanfics…so much for that theory.

This was inspired by that Starburst© commercial. The one with the kleptomaniac that was all "Oh, of course I'm not a klepto" but he _totally_ was.

**Disclaimer: I don't own. The end.**

* * *

_Chapter One – The Godfather_

"Are you two the Elric brothers?"

Two teenagers looked up at the police officers that stood tall over both of them, looking ever so threatening.

"If we say yes…do we get arrested?" Alphonse Elric asked, looking respectably nervous in the presence of the law.

"That varies, did you do something illegal?" The first cop asked, puffing a cigarette lightly.

Edward Elric darted his amber eyes about nervously. "Uh, no?" '_Please don't let them ask about the DVDs in my bag…please don't let them!'_ He never really thought the FBI really _would_ come after you for burning movies. Guess this shows what he knows.

The first police officer put his hand on the handle of his gun. "If you're not criminals and you are the Elric brothers, then it would be in your best interest to follow us," he said, straightening up even taller.

Edward waved his hands in front of him. "Hold on!" he said. "We're waiting here for our godfather. He told us that he'd meet us here, and we're not budging until he gets here!"

"Yeah, what he said!" Alphonse agreed. They stared up at the two tall men determinedly.

The second police officer sighed, running his hands through his white hair. "We'll handcuff you if you don't come willingly."

"Well that's different. Okay, let's get in the car Ed."

"Al! You're supposed to go with _my_ idea! I'm your big brother!"

The dirty-blond boy chuckled nervously. "Ed…they've got handcuffs. They don't look afraid to use them on innocent kids."

The first cop laughed. "We sure aren't kid. Now, are you gonna get in the car willingly or what?" he asked with a sadistic smile.

The sixteen-year-old faltered, and got in the back of the police car.

"Great job kid." Smoker Cop said with a grin. He and the other cop grabbed the boys' luggage, stuffing the bags in the trunk. "I'll be sure to tell the chief how you agreed so easily."

"For the record, I'm not a kid. I'm sixteen."

"Like I said, _great job kid_."

--**SCENE BREAK!--**

"And you couldn't get us from the airport again, _why_?"

A tall, black-haired man sighed, sifting through a stack of papers in annoyance. "I already told you, Edward," he replied. "I'm chief of police. I've got a lot of work to do, and I just couldn't take the time off. I mean, Havoc and Falman didn't exactly bully you here, did they?"

Edward huffed, leaning back in his chair. "If you don't consider threatening arrest to be bullying, then no. God, you're the worst godfather ever, Roy."

Alphonse shook his head. "Ed's just irritated, Mr. Mustang. He doesn't mean it." He smiled. "If it makes you feel better, I think you're a _great_ godfather!"

"Thank you Al," Roy threw a dirty look at Edward, who rolled his eyes. "At least _someone_ appreciates me for taking in you two after Trisha's death. Ungrateful bastard."

"Shut up." The older blond muttered. "I'm hungry."

"You want donuts? The station is _always_ stocked with donuts."

"Too many calories. Sorry, I'm watching my figure."

Roy smirked from behind a sheet of paper. "Translation: I'm still trying to get taller after six years of my growth's inactivity."

"I'll _KILL_ you!" Edward hissed, jumping out his seat.

The door to the chief's office burst open, a blonde woman jumping inside, rolling on the ground and holding up her gun.

"Put your hands in the air!" she barked, cocking the gun. "Any wrong move and I _will_ shoot!"

"Holy shit." Edward whimpered, putting his hands high over his head.

The black-haired man waved a hand. "False alarm, Hawkeye. These are my godchildren, the ones who I told you about?"

The blonde got off the ground and put the gun back in its holster. "Oh, you mean the kids who you were tricked into getting custody of?"

"Er, yeah. This is Edward and Alphonse Elric. Say hello, boys, to Riza Hawkeye."

"Hi Miss Hawkeye," the boys chorused.

Roy chuckled at the frightened look on Edward's face. "Ed here is sixteen, and Al is fifteen. Would you mind doing me a favor and getting them registered at that high school nearest the station?"

"Central?" she asked. The man nodded, scribbling on another sheet of paper. "I didn't have the time to do it myself, so I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd get that for me."

"Sure chief. Are you going to keep these two kids in here with you, or are you going to let them wander about like roamers?"

"They're big boys. I'm sure they can handle a few hours stuck in here with me." Roy replied, grinning. "Besides, we have _so_ much to catch up on! How long has it been? Five, six years?"

"Try three weeks, you ass." Ed grumbled.

"Whatever; just get that done for me, please."

"All right, I see you later chief." Hawkeye narrowed her eyes at Edward. "And I'll be keeping my eyes on you, kid."

And she left, slamming the door behind her.

"I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my life. Ever." The older teenager said, hand on his chest and breathing heavily.

Roy nodded. "You see Edward, _that_ is why you don't fuck with me. When you fuck with me, you fuck with the entire police force."

"There is no way that every single person in this station loves you that much."

"Oh yeah?" The chief put down his paper and let out an over exaggerated sigh. "Man, I sure am thirty. I wish I had some _coffee_."

The door, once again, slammed open, and several police officers poured into the room, each holding a steaming cup of coffee. Roy selected one and nodded, flashing them a bright smile. "Thanks guys, you're all doing a great job!"

They all grinned back at him, rushing back out to get to work. Alphonse stared at the closed door in amazement.

"That's true love right there, brother."

Ed glared. "You dirty bastard," he growled at Roy.

"Yep, bastard to the bone. That's me all right."

Al turned back around to Roy. "So, what can you tell us about the school we're going to?" he asked.

The black-haired man chuckled nervously. "Well, it's a high school. It's near this police station, so you can walk here afterwards. And…we're a little more closely acquainted with the school than we'd like to be," he answered.

"When you say 'we'…" Ed said slowly.

"I mean the whole police force in this station."

That didn't sound good.

**END 1**

* * *

Glad I got that out my system. I've always wanted to write something FMA…glad I got the chance to.


	2. Kleptomaniac

**Thief!**

AUUUGH, I love writing this for some reason! D:

Ah well, can't complain when others like it too.

* * *

_Chapter Two – Kleptomaniac_

"Brother, I'm _scared_."

"Me too, Alphonse. Me too."

The two blond brothers stood in the front of a large, artfully graffiti-ridden school. Supposed students loitered about, much like gangsters and unproductive members of society.

Roy laughed. "Well, they all aren't _that_ bad. I think. Hey!" he shouted at some suspicious teenager. The teen flinched. "Gimme those drugs, Claude. Did you _really_ think you'd get away with that?"

The teenager skulked over to the three, hands stuck in his pockets stubbornly. "Yeah," he replied gruffly, in a voice a bit too high to really be a male's. "And I could've gotten away with it, if it weren't—"

"Scooby-doo references don't work on me, Claude. Drugs, _now_." Roy held out his white-gloved hand. Claude scowled, pushing a small bag filled with an assorted variation of pills into the palm. The chief of police frowned, observing the drugs.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered, pocketing the bag. He ruffled Claude's hat. "Well, I've already confiscated them, and there isn't any room in the county jail…so, consider yourself off the hook. In exchange, can you do something for me?"

"It varies," said the drug-dealing teen. "Can I kill someone?"

"…No. All you need to do is go around threatening people that if they touch these two they'll get a cap busted in their ass or something."

"Oh, that's pretty easy. Who are these two anyway?"

"These are my godsons, Edward and Alphonse Elric. They're new."

Claude rolled his eyes. "I noticed," he replied blandly. "All right, I'll spread the news. Can I have my drugs back now?"

"No." Roy said. He jostled his godsons on the shoulders, smiling. "All right boys, get an education and be safe. After school, come straight to the police station. _Do not stop._"

"If I get stabbed trying to get to my locker, you're paying my hospital bill." Edward snapped, shouldering his bag and stalking towards the school.

Alphonse watched him worriedly and turned back to Roy. "Sorry godfather, I'll try my best to stay out of trouble." He straightened out his black t-shirt and readjusted his blue jeans, flashing a bright smile at his godfather.

"Thanks Al, and try to keep that hotheaded midget under control too."

In a flash, Edward was throwing a punch at his face, which was easily blocked by Roy. "I'll kill you!" he shrieked.

"No you won't, because Hawkeye will come at you almost immediately."

"…Damn it." The older brother brushed off his black jeans and red long-sleeved shirt. "I'll get you when you least expect it." He threatened.

"Sure you will. But, seriously, get to school. The bell's about to ring."

"Sure. See ya, Roy."

"Bye." And the chief of police walked off the campus, in the direction of the police station. Edward and Alphonse turned back towards the school, looking respectfully nervous.

"If you stand still, they _will_ get you." Claude informed, huffing a laugh. The two brothers looked at each other and broke into motion, both stalking towards the school at an incredible speed.

"Where do we go now?" Al asked once they entered the doors, walking through the ghetto-like hallway.

Edward checked his pocket watch. "We've got about ten minutes before the bell rings, that lazy bastard," he cursed under his breath. "We've gotta get our schedules first."

"Right. And we do that again, _where_?"

"Hell if I know. I'll flag down some random person and ask them." Ed looked around and spotted a large, bull-looking guy walking in their direction. "Hey, sir!"

The bull-looking teenager stopped and glared at them. "Whachu want?" he growled.

Al subtly moved closer behind his shorter brother, and Edward ran his fingers through his long hair.

"We need directions to the main office of this school," he explained. "At the moment, we are new students and currently do not possess any schedules."

Bull-boy furrowed his eyebrows. "What th' fuck're ya tryin' t' say?" he demanded. "You speakin' in fancy 'I'm so goddamn smart' talk t' make me _angry_?"

The blond gulped as Bull-boy stepped closer to them, cracking his knuckles. With a loud snort, the large teenager leaned back, retracting his fist.

"Hey Loa, cut them some slack," a sleazy, smooth voice called out. "They're new, they don't know any better."

Loa turned around, nostrils flaring. "_Envy_," he snarled.

A tall, bracket-haired teenager stepped up to them, wearing a black shirt much too small for him (as it exposed his flat, pale midriff) and donning pants much too big (the belt was at it's last hole), and smiling in the manner of the best of con-artists. "What, no love?" he asked mockingly.

Loa scowled, looking at the slightly freaked-out brothers in front of him, and the eerily smug teenager behind him. "I'll be back fer you two later," he warned, glaring at the Elrics before stomping away.

Envy looked at them. "Nice job," he said, smiling. "You just made an enemy out of Loa. And you've only been here, what, two, three minutes?"

"Cut the crap, creep," Ed snarled. "I just need directions to the main office, and pronto."

"Ah, you slay me, shorty," Envy replied, yawning. "I don't even know who the hell you are, so why should I give you directions?"

The older blond let out a strangled growl of anger, and then he pulled out his pocket watch. "Damn it, only three minutes left."

The dark green-haired boy (educated guess here) eyed the watch with interest. "I like your watch," he said, smirking. "I didn't even know people still used pocket watches in this day and age."

Ed snapped the watch closed, watching him carefully. "Thanks, I guess," he replied, re-pocketing the watch.

"Ya know, I think I _will_ give you directions." Envy purred, stepping closer to Edward. Alphonse looked frightened from his spot behind his brother. "You gotta go straight down the hall, and then you make a left at the first side hall you see. Then, you keep going until you see a door on the right side that says 'OFFICE'. Remember, 'OFFICE'."

"OFFICE. Right." Ed said, cocking an eyebrow. He looked down. "Dude, your hand is hovering pretty damn close to my pants pocket."

"Oh yeah. My bad, it's a condition I have. Very tragic, you must see."

Ed stared at him. "Uh, _yeah_." The bell rang. "Shit! Al, we gotta run!" He took off in the direction that Envy pointed at.

Al began running, but turned around back to the departing Envy. "Thanks, Mr. Envy!" he thanked, and went along in the direction of his brother. The green-haired teen watched them go with pursed lips, hands in his pockets.

"I really like that watch."

--**SCENE BREAK!—**

"Miss, we're the new students."

Miss Juliet Douglas (as the nameplate stated) glanced up at the two brothers from her typing. "And?" she asked in a bored tone.

Edward did not look directly at her face. "And, we need our schedules, that's what."

"Uh huh," her eyes darted back to the computer screen. "Names?"

"Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric."

"Grades?"

"I'm in the eleventh and he's in the tenth."

"Ages?"

"Sixteen and fifteen."

Miss Douglas was not convinced. "When you say sixteen and fifteen, are you referring to _him_ first or you?"

"Myself, ma'am."

"You've got to be joking me," the secretary muttered under her breath. She clicked one more button, and pages began to print out the printer. "Here, take your schedules."

_This lady needs an attitude adjustment_. "Thank you, ma'am." Edward replied with a smile. Alphonse coughed into his hand for a moment.

"Uh, Miss Douglas?" he asked.

"Yes?"

Al blushed, looking away. "Do you, uh, have a sister?"

"No. Get out of my office and go to class."

Edward nodded hurriedly at her and pulled his younger brother out the main office.

"What the hell were you _thinking_?" he demanded once they were back in the hall. "You don't just go up to random women and ask 'hey, do you have a sister?'!" He placed his hands on his hips angrily.

Al sighed. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it… But, she looked so much like—"

"Yeah, yeah," Ed scratched the back of his head. "She looks almost exactly like mom. Except, mom never had that permanent bitchy look. She only had the somewhat bitchy look, and that was when dad stopped by every three to four years."

"Yeah. Hey, brother, do you miss her?"

"How can I not? Now go, young man. To your class!"

"My sentiments exactly." A deep voice said from behind the two. They swiveled around, only to come face to fact with a tall, blond boy with a falling over one eye. An orange sash hung across his shoulder and the chest of his fashionably gray shirt.

"I didn't even think this school deserved hall patrol…" Ed whispered, getting a nod of agreement from Al.

"Do you have any reason to be in the middle of the hallway other than to whisper sweet nothings in each others ears?" the hall monitor asked, annoyed.

"Dude… we're brothers."

"And? It never stopped anyone at this school."

Ed and Al looked at each other, irked, and subconsciously stepped away from each other.

"Well, uh, I'll just be going then…" the older brother said nervously.

Al looked around, not trying to stop at his brother's face. "Yeah, uh, me too."

"Well, see ya after school."

"Yeah, after school. In a public place where everyone can see us right?"

"Oh for God's sake, I'm not interested in you that way, Al!" Ed snapped.

"This school could have a more profound effect on us than we may suspect, brother."

"Hmph. This school will never get to me!"

The hall monitor snorted. "That's what they all say, and then they're selling drugs and mugging little girls. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do hall patrol stuff." And he walked away with a dignified air.

Al watched him go with a raised eyebrow. "That… was pretty weird, brother."

"You can say that again." Ed checked the time. "Jesus, we're fifteen minutes late already! Al, get to your class, be safe, and if anyone pulls out a knife, start crying."

"Why should I cry?"

"They stab complete pussies less. I saw it in a gangster movie."

"You watch gangster movies?"

"Yes, now goodbye Al!" And Edward took off running towards the other end of the hall. As he ran, he almost bumped into another teenager, who looked rather rumpled and irritated.

"Goddammit," he cursed. He looked over at Ed. "Hey, you seen a blond kid, 'bout this tall, flippy hair, orange sash?"

"You mean the hall monitor?"

"_Shit_! Problem is, he _ain't_ a hall monitor!" the teenager growled. "He mugged me, mugged me _good_, and jacked my sash! I worked hard to earn that goddamn sash!"

"So, he _isn't_ a real hall monitor?"

"Russell's a damn trick, _that's_ what he is! Now, where'd you see 'im_?" _

The blond pointed down the hall where he just came from, and the boy nodded at him, breaking into a run. Ed watched him go with an amused smile and turned back to his journey to his classroom.

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

"Who the hell are you?"

Edward held out his schedule. "I'm the new student, sir. Edward Elric."

The teacher sneered at his sheet of paper, looking as though it contained some sort of handheld disease.

"Great job," he retorted. "I'm Bald. You, on the other hand, will call me _Mr._ Bald, got that, bitch?"

"Did you just call me what I _think_ you called me?"

"Do you want an F so quickly you wouldn't be able to see straight?"

"…No?"

"Then get to a seat, bitch!"

Edward looked at him oddly and looked around for a seat in the crowded, gangster looking classroom. Everyone there either sat around playing cards, gambling, sleeping, or sharpening their knives.

_How'd they get knives in the _first_ place? Wait, never mind._ Edward sat down in an empty seat next to a grumpy looking older teenager with a twitchy nose and two-tone hair. The teen looked over at him, eyes narrowed.

"What's yer name?" he asked.

Ed frowned. "Edward?"

"I'm Dorochet. You from 'round here?"

"No. I'm from Risembol, Colorado."

Dorochet looked forward again. "Thought so. Scared yet?"

"If I say 'yes', will I die?"

"I ain't thinking about it, but some others might."

"Then no, I'm not scared shitless."

Dorochet chuckled. "Good choice, man. Good choice."

Bald slammed his fist on the chalkboard, making everyone look up at him. "All right, delinquents!" he snarled. "It's time for class!"

He scribbled on the board some chicken scratch, and pointed at it. "As the board says, this class is _Shanking 101_."

"Shanking…101?" Ed whispered. "But my schedule says 'Social Studies'…"

"Everyone's schedule says that." Dorochet explained. "We learn about the history of New York-style shanking on Fridays, which should count."

"Today," Bald continued. "We will learn about the Swipe n' Stab! It is when you swipe," he swiped his hand through the air in front of him. "N' stab!" he thrust the hand out. "Everybody, do it!"

The students started to swipe their hands in the air, and stabbing with invisible knives. Even Dorochet, who Ed subtly was sticking close to.

"Why ain't ya doin' it?" the grumpy teen asked. "All ya gotta do is swipe n' stab!"

The blond looked at him with a face of absolute horror. "Wait, this class is actually serious?"

"Hell yeah. You cain't survive the streets of Central, New York without the basic shanking skills!"

Bald stomped up to Ed. "Bitch!" he hissed. "Why aren't you doing the goddamn exercise?!"

"Because this is my first day and I have no idea what a 'shank' is in the first place?"

The entire class stopped in the exercise and looked over at Ed, even Dorochet.

"How do you not know what a shank is?" Bald demanded.

"I'm from Colorado?"

"Well, that makes sense. All right, everybody, Bitch here is goin' to give us a prime example of the Swipe n' Stab! Bitch, get to the front of the class!"

Ed faltered. "What the hell, Bald?" he snapped. "I told you I didn't know how!"

"Well, we'll never know until you try. Now try."

The blond trudged to the front of the classroom, everyone's eyes on him. Someone gave a wolf-whistle, which made him clench his fist angrily.

He took a deep breath. "Swipe," he mumbled angrily, weakly running his hand through his air. "And Stab." He held out his hand and dropped it automatically. He glared at Bald. "Can I go back to my seat?"

"Not bad for a beginner… BUT! You need less swipey, and more stabby. Now, class, WHO can tell me what else was wrong with his form?!" He pointed at a twitchy, madly grinning guy. "Barry?"

"He lacks the _emotion_ in the _kiiiiill_!" Barry purred, leaning forward on his desk. "Moreover, he needs to stab faster to insure a quicker fall."

"Great job! You're my best student, Barry!"

"I love this class, Bald!"

"This class is _stupid_."

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

"Hey there," Barry greeted, sauntering up to Ed in the ghetto cafeteria. "I'm Barry T. Chopper. We're in the same first period."

Ed frowned. "I'm Edward Elric. What does the 'T' stand for?" he bit into his sandwich.

"The."

"Barry The Chopper?"

"Hell yeah. Hey, is your sandwich filled with meat?" Barry leaned over to watch the blond eat.

Ed chewed slowly, watching the twitchy teen carefully. "Uh, yeah. Beef."

"Can I…_cut_ it for you?"

"If I say no, then—Hey! You, creep! Away from my pocket!"

Envy cursed, stepping back with his hands in the air. "You caught me," he said with a sadistic grin.

Barry scrunched his body up much like a cat, hissing. "_Envy_…" he hissed.

Ed looked at him, slightly freaked out. Envy just smirked and flicked his finger in the air, which made Barry jump over the table and scurried across the cafeteria, making angry cat-like sounds.

"That was fucked up." The blond said, biting into his sandwich.

Envy plopped in what was once Barry's seat. "So," he purred. "I never got your name."

"I never wanted to give it to you, but since you're so interested, it's Edward Elric."

Envy held out his hand. "I'm Envy H."

"Great. Can I finish eating now?"

"How about you let me show you around the school?" The hand was inching closer to his pocket again.

Ed scooted away. "Stop trying to get into my pants, jerk." He took his sandwich and walked away.

Envy scowled. "Damn it."

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

"Roy, my teachers need to be in prison."

Roy sighed. "Everyone in that school needs to be in prison, Ed. _Everyone_."

Al twiddled his fingers. "I didn't have too bad of a time, actually. I thought the school was pretty fun."

Ed twirled around to him. "Are you _crazy_?" he hissed. "My first period teacher taught me how to Swipe n' Stab a guy in two seconds! My second period was all '300 push-ups and then we'll learn how to kick someone down in three seconds'! Third period was on some _major_ crack. _LITERALLY._ At lunch, a bunch of creeps tried to pick me up. And fourth period my teacher didn't talk. He just stared at everyone and wrote shit on the board!"

"That sounds _so_ exciting, brother!"

"What the hell is _wrong_ with you?!"

Roy chuckled. "You kids have it so easy, since your godfather is chief of police and all. Well, I hope you guys can walk to school tomorrow, since I'm not going to be able to do it everyday."

"But on the days you _can_ do it… Can you walk with us?"

"No, Edward."

"How about every other day?"

"_No_, Edward."

"Second Mondays?"

"…No. That's strip poker day at the station."

"Damn it."

* * *

**END 2**

YAY IT'S DONE.

Ugh, I have to finish a play, but I had to finish this too. This won, and I'm so sure I'm going to regret my decision.


	3. That Crazy Nazi

**Thief!**

D'awww, I must be Jesus! I can turn water into iced tea! And I can convert people back to FMA yaoi (HUR HUR HUR).

Well, uh, anything in this chapter that might offend you does not represent the views of me, the writer. Even if I did write it.

_

* * *

_

Chapter Three – That Crazy Nazi

"Are you ready Al?!"

"Yes brother!"

"Do you want to kick some ass, Al?!"

"Yes brother!"

"Can you see yourself as this school's bitch, Al?!"

"Yes brother!"

Ed smacked his forehead. "Do you even know what I'm talking about, Al?" he asked, irked.

"Of course not, brother!" Al replied, arms at his sides. The older brother sighed and patted his sibling's shoulder.

"It's okay Al," he said. "Just, don't get yourself killed."

"Yes brother!"

They continued their walk to the ghetto-fabulous school called Central High, Ed decidedly creeped the fuck out at all the gang members that watched them as they walked by.

And then one decided to speak to them.

"'Ey dawg," a short, stocky teenager called. He scratched his black stubble. "We'z been thinkin' 'bouts lettin' yer fine asses into our gang, yo. Da West Side Exilez, fo real man."

The blond brothers stared at him.

"What did he say?" asked Al cautiously.

Ed glanced at him. "I don't know, but I think he wants to recruit us for something…"

"You wantz ta join or not, bitch?"

"Oh HELL no…" Edward hissed, rolling up his sleeves. "No one calls me a bitch and isn't giving ME an 'A'!"

"Calm down, shortstuff," a sleezy voice said behind the two. "You've got two fists, but he's got one gun. I wonder who'd win?"

"Oh no…" the blond muttered to himself.

Al smiled. "Hi Mister Envy, how are you today?"

Envy smirked. "I feel better than time itself…not referencing to your hot brother's watch, by the way."

"Hey Ed, where're you going?" Al called, making the green-haired teen scowl. The younger brother flashed him a nervous smile and caught up with Edward, who was already halfway up the block.

"Why'd you just walk away, brother?" he asked his irritated sibling. "He really looked like he wanted to talk to you."

"Al," Ed replied. "Can you lean down a bit?"

Alphonse leaned his head down slightly, so he was level with his brother's head, but a hand roughly pushed him down even lower.

"_Ix-nay on the creep-ay_," Ed whispered furiously into his ear. "He looks like a transsexual rapist, and he keeps trying to get into my pants. Literally. I obviously have no reason to not trust him."

"He seemed pretty nice to me."

"Al, _everyone_ seems pretty nice to you."

"I just like to be optimistic, it makes me feel better."

"And I like to be real, it keeps me from getting raped."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Bitch!" Bald called out to him during first period. "Where is your knife?! It was part of the curriculum!"

"Oh, my bad," Ed answered sarcastically. "I guess I forgot to grab the machete in my knife drawer. Maybe I'll bring a butter knife tomorrow."

"All right smartass, since you obviously want to be a delinquent in this class, I'll get someone to let you borrow a knife for _today_."

Edward, who couldn't even get pass the pure irony of calling him a 'delinquent', nodded dumbly.

Bald crossed his heavily muscled arms. "Lessee… Dorochet! Do you have an extra knife?"

The two-toned haired teenager next to Ed just yawned, his tongue lolling out his mouth much like a dog's would. "Naw man," he answered. "I's only got my super-shankin' knife, and I love it like a brother."

"Admirable! Okay then, Barry! I know you have another knife on you!"

The light haired teenager looked up from his extreme observation of his large machete. "But… I _love_ my knives…" he whined. "It must be something really important for me to…_relinquish_ one."

"Bitch needs it."

"Oh, well, that's okay then. I like Bitch."

Ed, to this day even, does not know if that is a good or bad thing.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Do you know why this is called PE, brats?!" a tough looking woman with dreads called out.

"Physical Education?" Ed answered meekly.

Izumi scowled at him. "No! It's called PE for 'You guys are a bunch of **P**USSI**E**S!' Now drop down and give me thirty!"

"This is not fun, this is not fun, this is not fun…" was Ed's mantra as he laid on the ground, arms pushing at the surface for push-ups. He glared at the Asian kid next to him, who lifted himself from the ground with ease.

"HEY!" Izumi called in the background. "Pussy Number 35! Yeah, you, short blond kid!"

"WHAT?" Ed roared back.

"I didn't say do girl push-ups, Pussy! Now show me what a real man can do!"

Edward's face was a bright red as he strained to push his entire body up off the ground. The Asian kid next to him still did the push-ups with admirable ease.

"Hey, Jackie Chan," the blond said. "How do you do those push-ups so easily?"

The Asian kid stopped, glaring at him. "My name is not _Jackie Chan_, asshole."

"Fine, _Wong Pow_. How do you do those push-ups again?"

He did not receive an answer, except for a muttered '_Stupid American_' and a bunch of foreign curses.

"BACK TO WORK, PUSSY!"

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

And then there was Chemistry.

Ed plopped in a chair at an empty lab table, looking at his silver pocket watch as more students started wandering into the room. The teacher's back was turned from them, as he scribbled on the board.

"May I sit here?" a kind voice asked Edward, gesturing towards the empty seat next to him.

The blond looked up into gentle blue eyes. "Uh, sure." A blond-haired teenager sat next to him, smiling all the while.

"My name is Alfons Heiderich, and you are?" He held out his hand.

Edward shook it, grinning back. "Edward Elric, nice to meet you."

Alfons smiled even harder, keeping his grip on Ed's hand. "Same here." He let go.

"So, I didn't see you yesterday in this class. Are you new as well?" Ed asked as the bell rang.

"Not at all. Yesterday…I was…uh…_sick_. Yeah, I was very, very sick. Coughing up blood and all that jazz."

"Uh, okay then?"

"Hello everyone," the teacher purred as he whipped around, greasy hair hanging limply to his shoulders. He smiled quirkily, gripping a test tube in a shaky hand. "I'm still Kimblee today, and I'll probably still be Kimblee tomorrow, but that isn't the point."

He stepped up to the experimental table in front of the class. "Today, we will learn how to BLOW SHIT UP."

Cheers ran through the class, making Ed question the integrity of the school, if it even had any integrity left.

"What shit'll we be blowin' up today, Kimblee?" some kid asked.

The teacher smiled, making every hair on the back of Ed's neck stand up. "We will be blowing up RATS! Which isn't nearly as exciting as blowing up a real human, but whatever. Everyone, step up and get one rat, some baking soda, some vinegar, some of this blue bubbling stuff, and mix it all together!"

Alfons tugged at Ed's shirt sleeve. "Come on, we need to get our materials!" he egged.

"Why? All we're doing is _blowing shit up_, apparently."

"That's the best part!"

And it was.

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

"And did you see the _look_ on Kimblee's face when our rat exploded?"

Ed laughed. "It looked like he was going to orgasm on the floor! I think we just got ourselves a double A plus."

Alfons chuckled. "Yeah…" he turned to Ed at the table in the cafeteria. "Edward…may I ask a favor of you?"

"Sure. What is it?"

He smiled. "May I…touch…your hair?"

Ed cocked an eyebrow, very slowly. "Uh, okay?"

"Thank you."

And quicker than a flash, Alfons' pale fingers had dug into his long hair, with the boy himself burying his face in the blond locks. He took a big breath.

"Your hair is so beautiful and perfect…and…and…" Alfons couldn't even finish the sentence, he was so overjoyed.

_What the FUCK._ "Dude, what the FUCK?"

Alfons sat back into his seat, brushing invisible dirt off his shoulders and clothes. "My bad," he replied. "It's just, you must be the most perfect specimen I've seen since that Russell boy!"

"Are you coming on to me?" Ed asked, weirded out.

"NO! I mean, no. I just think you are a true Aryan, and I want you to join my cause."

The shorter teenager looked at him oddly. "What cause? And did you just call me a Aryan?"

"Yes—"

The tall, flippy-haired teenager strolled by, only stopping to look at Alfons and weakly push a hand through the air.

"Hey mini-Führer…" he muttered, and walked away.

Alfons shot up in his seat. "HEIL HITLER!" he shouted, pushing his palm face up over his head.

"That was ridiculously uncool man, really." Ed said, biting into his sandwich.

The lighter blond laughed. "Sorry, conditioned reflex," he explained. "So, how about joining my cause?"

"First, one question."

"Shoot."

"How do you feel about Jews?"

Alfons leaned his chin on a palm. "After they all die, or before?"

"That's all I needed to know. Sorry Alfons, but I think I might have to pass on this little cause of yours."

"Oh, well, there will ALWAYS be a spot for you. No matter what."

"I'll, uh, I'll think about it."

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

"…"

"Does he ever talk?" Edward whispered to the guy next to him, a lightly tanned young man with a bandana on his head.

He nodded. "Yeah, when he's tellin' you to shut the fuck up."

"Shut the fuck up." Sig rumbled, staring directly at the two.

"See what I mean?"

_God must hate me._ Ed thought idly as he doodled some pictures in his notebook. He felt a light tug in his right pocket.

"Hey!" he whispered furiously. "Get the fuck away from my pocket, you fucking creep!"

Envy sneered and retracted his hand, rolling his eyes. Edward turned back to his desk and scooted his chair up a bit further.

Returning to his doodles, after a few minutes, he felt the tug again.

"_Goddammit_," he hissed. "Stay the fuck out my pockets!"

"Shut the fuck up." Sig snapped, once again.

Envy smirked at him, waving his hand at Ed mockingly.

_I really hate this fucking school._

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

"I made a new friend, Ed!" Al announced as he ran up to his brother in front of the school. "He is _so_ cool! I met him in my fourth period!"

"Really?" Ed asked. "Who is he?"

"Well, he's, wait, you're gonna be _so shocked_ at the irony!" the taller brother bit his bottom lip in glee. "His name is _Alfons_!"

"Hey Ed." Said Neo-nazi greeted with a smile.

"…Jesus Christ…" Ed muttered.

"Are you willing to join my cause yet?"

"No man, just…_no_."

**--SCENE BREAK!--**

"Roy, how would you feel if I knew a nazi?"

The dark-haired man shrugged. "Hell, I wouldn't give a damn. There's a nazi in the police force anyway, and he's pretty into it."

Ed swallowed his soup. "I mean, what if my nazi was trying to recruit me as a nazi?"

"What's wrong with that? I mean, you _are_ a perfect Aryan."

The look of absolute horror on Ed's face was almost worth the initial spitting of juice from Roy's mouth.

"I'm sorry," he replied, laughing. "I just had to say it. But, anyway, if you join this guy's cause I'll kick you out my house immediately."

"Thanks for the care."

"You're welcome. Now clean up my table, mini-nazi."

**END 3**

* * *

I love writing about Nazis. It's so much fun to completely kill their characters.

Yes, Alfons is a canon nazi. Watch the movie again if you don't believe me.


	4. Roy and the Gun

**Thief!**

NAZISM IS NOT COOL.

But Alfons is, so there.

* * *

_Four – Roy and the Gun_

At approximately 4:56 AM, Roy was peacefully sleeping in his king sized, silk sheeted bed. He rolled about, snored lightly, and muttered some woman's name with a smile.

And at approximately 4:58 AM, he was abruptly awoken by the obnoxiously loud sound of metal clanging in his kitchen.

"Wha--?" he grumbled blearily, trying to sit up straight. He looked around, as if the sound was coming from his room directly.

_CLANG! CRASH!_

Even in his sleep, he was quite possibly the best godfather ever. He knew his godsons like the back of his hand, for one point. And he could identify both of them in a pitch black room with a blindfold.

This was no different.

"_Edward_," he hissed, climbing out the bed grumpily. Stumbling out his room, half-asleep, he wandered into the kitchen only to confirm his suspicions. "What the hell are you doing, Ed?"

The blond continued to pull pots and pans out the bottom cabinets obnoxiously. "Where the hell do you keep your knives?" he demanded.

"It's five o-FUCKING-clock in the morning, Ed! Why can't this wait until, I dunno, _seven_ or something?" Roy snapped.

"I'm trying to get to school early so I can miss the general student population, but I can't leave without a damn knife… Augh!" he cursed as a whole barrage of cookware fell out the cabinet. "Christ! How many pans do you freakin' need?"

The black-haired man stared at Edward, who hopped around the kitchen some more.

And he had a horrible urge to ignore this and go back to sleep.

"Look," he grumbled, struggling to keep his eyes open. "Just, shit, just take my gun. It'll…_ahhh_…it'll be good enough probably." He waved lazily towards his gun holster on his coat rack.

Ed's golden eyes widened. "But…won't I get in trouble?" he asked.

"At that school?" Roy retorted. "They'll probably give you props or whatever kids are doing these days. You'll be fine. Now, I'm going back to sleep, and if I wake up and you are the reason again, you'll be spending the night in jail. With a _man_."

"All right?"

And Roy happily went back to sleep while Ed grabbed his gun holster, pointing the weapon in random directions.

He slept peacefully until nine.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Hey brother, what's that thing you're attempting to hide underneath your shirt?" Alphonse asked as they journeyed through the rising sun towards the school.

Ed smirked. "What do you mean, _attempting_ to hide? You wouldn't be able to see this with X-ray glasses!" he replied with a sneaky smile.

Al shrugged. "Actually, I can see it really easily. You're wearing that gay skintight shirt again."

The older brother frowned. "This shirt isn't gay…" he whined.

"It really is. So, what're you trying to hide? A really realistic water gun?"

"_Act_ually…" Ed said, reaching into his shirt. He pulled out a gun. "It's a real gun. For my first period class."

Al was appalled. "Dear God, it's so shiny…" he whispered, touching the cool metal. "Hey, isn't this godfather's?"

"He told me to use it."

"No way! Only irresponsible adults would give a minor a gun!"

"Then I guess what is Roy?"

Al was speechless.

"…Can I touch the shiny metal again?"

Ed chuckled. "Sure Al, touch it as much as you want. I'm going to bust a cap in some nigga's ass!" he crowed, raising the gun up high.

A passing black guy threw him a dirty look, and Ed smiled apologetically.

"Sorry!" he called to the guy. "I just overheard some guys say it at my school to each other and thought it was a word for 'friend'!"

"Fuck you!" the black guy yelled back.

Ed was perturbed. "Geez, people here get offended really easily," he commented, hiding his gun underneath his shirt again.

His taker brother looked behind his shoulder. "That's the first time I've ever seen a black person up close…" Al said in amazement. "Colorado sure is sheltered."

"Colorado isn't sheltered, Al. _We_ are."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

Bald sighed exasperatedly. "Look Bitch," he growled. "I told you to bring in a knife two days ago. I'm looking at your desk right now, looking _straight_ at it! And what do I not see?"

"A knife?" Barry asked smartly.

"Exactly! What is your fucking excuse, Bitch?" he snapped. "If you don't have a good reason, then you're target practice for today's lesson!"

Edward smirked. "You want a good reason?" he challenged. He pulled the gun from under his shirt, placing it on the desk. "There's your reason."

Dorochet's gray eyes widened. "Tha's a full on Walther P99, only used by the cops and one o' the best guns around! How the hell a pussy like you get a hold of _that_?" he demanded, leaning so close to Edward's desk that he was almost smelling the gun. Which was probably what he was aiming for.

Bald and the rest of the students stared at the gun and Edward in shock.

Barry jumped on top of his desk to get a view. "Holy _shit_!" he exclaimed. "How _did_ a pussy like you get firepower like that?!"

Ed scowled. "I really appreciate the nicknames, guys," he muttered sarcastically. He looked at Bald. "My godfather is…" _Wait, would telling him that Roy is chief of police a smart thing? They might kidnap me or something for ransom, which Roy would not pay because I'm not a woman and he's thinks anyone with a dick should know how to protect themselves in even the worst of situations… Damn him to hell._ "…a drug dealer." _Yeah, that's not suspicious at all. Let's go with that, Ed!_

Bald cocked an eyebrow. "Really?" he asked. "Which spot does he work?"

The small blond faltered. "Uh, excuse me?" he replied.

"You know…" the large man made obscene gestures. "Which corner does he sell? What alley does he trick? What street does he rake? …Where does he sell drugs, kid?"

"Oh. OH!" Ed looked around nervously. "The, uh, Central Precinct?" _Shit! Way to go Ed, now you're going to get kidnapped for good!_

"Ooooh," the teacher answered nodding his head. "Poor guy got caught. I feel for ya man, that Chief Mustang is one relentless motha--."

"Er, yeah. Real hardass and…stuff."

"I hate him." Bald snarled, cracking his knuckled. "After busting me three times for illegal weapon trafficking, he sent me HERE, to fucking teach _Social Studies_. I never forgave him for that shit."

Edward looked nervous. "Uhm, me neither. I, uh, really dislike him," he lied unsteadily.

"Next time I see that fucker, I'm going to put my 'Social Studies' lessons to work and _shank_ that mothafucker."

"Eurgh!" the blond flinched, frowning.

"I'm gonna stab him, and THEN I'm gonna stab him some more!"

"Irk!"

"And I'm gonna slice his fuckin' neck!"

"Ow!"

"Then I'm gonna stab him right in the—"

"Okay!" Ed shouted. "I get it, you want to severly damage him."

"But I wasn't done—"

"Yes you were! Hey, how do you do that thing again?" the blond asked hurriedly, eyes darting around the room.

Bald cocked an eyebrow. "What _thing_?" he asked suspiciously.

"You know…" The teenager made an obscure stabbing gesture. "That stabby thing, the one where you thrust and stab suddenly."

"You mean shanking?"

"Yeah, let's learn about _that_. That is what this class is for, right?"

The teacher chuckled. "You know what, Bitch?" he said teasingly. "I think I might like you."

Dorochet ruffled his hair, smiling. "Me too, Blondie. You ain't that bad fer a Colorado guy."

Ed grinned back. It seemed like he was actually getting somewhere with his new school.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

And the progress went right back down the drain in second period.

Apparently Izumi wasn't the easiest person to gain respect from.

"All right, pussies!" she shouted as she marched in front of all the students in her class. "Today, we're going to learn something that might save your meaningless lives one day. We're going to learn how to swing a purse, _lethally_."

Ed's eyelid twitched. "Except, none of us are women. I'm not even sure if you count." Later in life, he'd claim that it was temporary insanity that possessed him to speak those words to the most hardass of gym teachers.

The entire class got dead quiet.

Izumi marched up to him, eyes narrowed to mere squints.

"Pussy Number 35," she growled dangerously. "I don't appreciate the way you're all new and shit, but you're acting like such a _smartass_. Just for your smartassery, you can be the prime example for today's lesson!"

"Ha!" the Asian kid crowed. "Serves you right, Stupid American!"

Ed sniffed, insulted. "Why can't Chow Mein over there do it?" he grumbled. "He's causing more commotion than I am!"

"No, Ling is my best student. Now get to the front, Pussy!"

The blond grudgingly came to the front of the students, facing Izumi as bravely as possible. "All right, now what?" he asked.

Izumi picked up an innocent looking purse from the ground. It was nicely decorated, and it was quite light seeming.

"Now, you have to make to attack me," she instructed, holding the purse on her shoulder like she was going shopping instead of teaching self-defense.

Ed shrugged. "Easy enough." And he stepped back a few meters. Izumi smirked, and he made a running leap, doing a front flip and attempting to slam his feet into her torso.

She ducked down and slammed the purse into his face, making him practically fly back.

"And that is skill number three, the "Duck and Slam". It is most useful when the attacker is upside down in some way," she explained, swinging the purse on her hand. The gym teacher caught Ed doing cartwheels in her direction, obviously prepared for another attack.

With a side-step, she swung the purse underneath his arms as they were landing, making his lose his balance and hit the ground with a painful thud.

"I thought I said attack me, not do fucking acrobatics!" she snapped, hitting Ed on the head with the purse while he was still down.

"Ow!" he whined, trying to cover his face. "Not the face!"

"Oh, trying to resist, are you?!" She hit him harder repeatedly.

"Why is no one stopping this?!"

"Its part of the lesson, now take the beating like a man, pussy!"

Ed would never live down the day he was beaten down with a purse by his gym teacher.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Oh dear, what happened to you, Ed?" Alfons asked worriedly as Edward plopped in his seat next to him, a bandage over a particularly red welt on his cheek.

The shorter blond sighed. "The zipper scratched me a little too hard," he replied sadly.

"What zipper?"

"I _don't_ want to talk about it."

Kimblee tapped his meter stick on the board. "Children!" he called. "It's education time! Today we will be BLOWING MORE SHIT UP."

"Woo!" the class, including half of Edward, whooped.

"And today's shit will be… these DVDs of High School Musical 2!" the greasy-haired man narrowed his eyes. "If this _shit_ isn't blown to fucking smithereens… I swear to my Christian God I'll make you _pay_."

He smiled again. "'Kay children, get your DVDs, a bunch of these chemicals, and _blow this shit to fucking snow_."

Ed stood up, went to the material table, got the supplies, and went back to his shared lab desk with Alfons.

"Do you want to use the blue shit or the purple shit?" he asked as he put both tubes of chemicals in the tube holder on the desk.

Alfons thought about it. "Why don't we use both?" he asked. "It could be blurple shit. And we might get a bigger bang."

"That just might work. Okay, I'll work on the blurple shit, and you can prepare the DVD."

"All right."

And they worked in peace for a few minutes.

That is, until the neo-nazi made an offhand comment.

"So," he started. "I heard you were talking to _Envy_."

Ed looked at him. "Is he Jewish or something?" he demanded. "Because you and everyone else keep saying that creep's name as if it'll give you Super AIDS or something!"

"No, he's most definitely _not_ Jewish…" a dreamy look came into Alfons' blue eyes. "His father is an especially beautiful specimen, and he was too before the _dye_ and the _contacts_. I just heard you were talking to him, that's all."

"Is there something wrong with me talking to him?"

"If you're looking to get robbed blind, then _yes_."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

Alfons rolled his eyes. "I mean he's the best kleptomaniac since Houdini, and he doesn't even use magic. His success rate with stealing is, like, 99.8 percent."

Ed cocked an eyebrow. "What about the other .2 percent?" he asked slowly.

"Apparently he's trying to steal someone's watch, and he hasn't been successful yet. I feel bad for the poor guy, since Envy is _relentless_."

Ed held up the blurple shit. "Yeah, me too. What an unfortunate guy. Okay, put the DVD in the bag!" he said quickly.

The other blond hurriedly did so, and Ed immediately dumped all of the blurple shit in the bag. "Duck!" the two screamed to the rest of their class, who heeded their warning immediately. The bag exploded into thousands of tiny metal shards, and Kimblee looked as though he wanted to cry.

"This… is BEAUTIFUL," he gasped. "Troy Bolton _never_ saw it coming! Triple A plus!"

Alfons and Ed gave each other victorious grins.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

Envy, that lunch, did not find his newest victim.

_But_, he did "accidentally" find a pair of new kicks.

"Nice shoes," he commented to some freshman that loitered in the trashed courtyard of the school.

The freshman smirked. "I know, right?" he bragged. "Newest edition of Nike's, bona-fide shox, man!"

Envy yawned. "That's nice," he commented. Then he widened his eyes and looked over to some random direction. "Oh my god, it's a generic fairly popular rapper! And he's over there!"

The freshman jumped, snapping his head in the said direction. "Lil' P. Dogg?!" he exclaimed. Envy jabbed him in the back of the neck, knocking him out.

He took the guy's shoes.

"Heh, _sucker_."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Nice shoes, Envy," Wrath complimented.

The green-haired teen smirked. "I know, right?" he replied. He raised his chin in question. "What are you doing here? You have A lunch, not D."

The sophomore smiled evilly. "Did you hear about the guy who got his ass kicked in my mom's class by a purse?" he asked excitedly. "I heard he was in this lunch, so I came to laugh at him for a few moments before skipping to my mom's class."

Envy cocked an eyebrow. "I don't know who the hell you can possibly be talking about, but…" he trailed off, catching a flash of gold in his peripheral vision entering the cafeteria. He smirked. "…But, my sexy senses are tingling, and time is ticking. I've got a watch to… accidentally find on the ground."

He stood up suddenly, and strolled over to Ed and Alfons, who were walking to a table together, laughing and talking to each other.

"—and the dog bit my leg!" Ed was saying excitedly.

Alfons laughed. "Did you scream?" he asked playfully.

"Like a _girl_."

And they laughed together some more.

Envy was kind of creeped out. But that didn't stop him in the least.

"Hey," he greeted sultrily. "How are _you_ two doing?"

"…Gee, it's Envy." Alfons said, leaning his head on Ed's shoulder. "I wonder what he wants. Oh wait, I already know. _You want to steal our shit_."

Envy chuckled, plopping in the seat next to Ed. "Not steal, just find your stuff coincidentally and forget to return it."

"I love the way he makes thievery seem so logical." Ed whispered to his friend with a grin.

Alfons poked his bandaged cheek. "Dude, he's sneaking towards the back of your pants," he whispered back.

The shorter blond looked in that direction immediately, face becoming red with anger.

"Get the fuck out of my pants!" he hissed, smacking the older teen's hand. He stood up abruptly. "You have overstayed your unwelcome, so I'm taking the initiative and leaving my own damn self!" He stomped away angrily, Alfons walking after him with a supportive smile on his face.

Envy frowned.

This was going to take some dirty tactics.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

Roy checked his pockets.

He checked his jacket.

He checked his desk.

He checked his coffee cup.

And when Hawkeye walked in, he checked her cleavage.

She pistol-whipped him.

"Ah, shit!" he groaned, rubbing his head. "Was that really necessary?"

"Yes." The blonde woman put her gun back in its holster. "Your office is a mess. What in the world happened here?"

Roy sighed. "I can't find my gun!" he explained. "I've looked _everywhere_ for it, and it's just disappeared!"

Hawkeye cocked an eyebrow. "Where was the last place you had it?" she asked seriously.

"I had it in the holster on the coat rack, and I vaguely remember…_Edward_," he hissed. "Goddamn that kid!"

"You gave the gun to Edward?!"

"Not _give_…just let him temporarily borrow."

"You are going straight to hell."

Roy plopped back in his office chair, rubbing his temples. "I _know_."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"So, brother, where's the gun?" Al asked as they walked to the police station.

Ed jiggled his backpack. "In here. I didn't want to risk offending anymore people than I already have."

"That's so responsible of you, brother!"

"I know right?" the older sibling said happily as they went inside the precinct.

Almost on cue, a loud shout rumbled through the station.

"EDWARD!" Roy roared, stomping up to the two boys angrily. "Where the hell is my gun?!"

Ed reached into his backpack, pulling out the gun with an irked look. "It's right here," he said. Roy snatched it from him, checking it extensively for damage.

"Why didn't you tell me you took my gun?" the black-haired man whined.

The blond stared at him. "Um, I guess because you told me to take it in the first place?" he replied.

"But that makes me look like an irresponsible adult!"

"Then what are you?"

Roy glared. "Just for that, you're spending half an hour in a jail cell. Right now."

"With a _man_?"

"No, a woman."

"Oh. Well, what so bad about that?"

Hawkeye walked past. "She's on her cycle," she informed.

"Oh. Oh Shit."

**END 4**

* * *

TRU STORY: I was walking down the street one day, and I saw these black-wannabe Caucasian posers standing around. So I passed them, right? I passed them, and I heard ONE part of their conversation.

"—kiss that nigga's ass!"

I stopped. Just _stopped_ in my tracks. And I stared at them. For ten minutes. I didn't know what to think at that very moment.

The poser that said it saw me for the first time. "Oh!" he exclaimed, nervous. "I'm really sorry about that. I thought the term meant 'friend' now!"

I kept staring.

"Are you offended?"

"Not offended," I admitted with a shrug. "Just trying to wrap my head around a Caucasian guy saying 'nigga' and actually getting away with it. Well, I can't, so I'll be leaving now. I'll be sure to tell my mother though!"

And I left, leaving the poor guys panicking.

I am such an asshole (I totally told my mother, who looked at me as though she didn't believe me).

LOL Roy's gun was the most exciting part of writing this chapter.

TRU FACT: I love High School Musical. But I _hated_ High School Musical 2 with a passion (Stick to the status quo my _ass_). I felt like taking out my anger on the huge disappointment I felt after watching it a fourth time on this story. Sorry about that.


	5. Psycho Nurse!

**Thief!**

I am so surprised someone didn't report me just for using the word 'nigga'. Honestly, I am beyond shocked.

But, anyway, thanks.

_

* * *

_

Chapter Five – Psycho Nurse!

"Hey, Roy, why don't you have DirectTV?" Ed asked, clinking through the basic cable channels in his godfather's living room.

Roy groaned. "I don't feel like paying that much money for some channels, Ed," he replied, annoyed.

"You should get DirectTV."

"No, you should shut up and be grateful that you even have a TV to watch, brat."

The blond frowned. "You don't even get CNN on this cable service!" he complained, still clicking. Roy vaguely felt his eyelid twitch, and he breathed slowly, staring ahead.

"Edward," he said sternly. "I'm working."

"But I want to watch CNN!"

"What kind of kid your age watches CNN?!" Roy demanded, leaning his head back so he could see the lounging teenager. "Shouldn't you be watching MTV or BET or something?"

"I'll watch MTV when it starts playing music again." Ed replied grouchily. "And isn't BET for black people? I'm not black, Roy."

"Well how am I supposed to know what kids watch?" the cop grumbled, going back to his work. "Jesus, kid, just watch Cartoon Network or something."

Ed smirked. "I want to check my email."

Roy glared. "I'm on the computer, Ed. You can't do anything until I'm done with my work."

"But I might've gotten an email from a friend at school!"

"You have _friends_?"

"He's a Nazi."

"I thought I told you to get the hell out of my house if the Nazis were going to be involved in your life." Roy huffed. "Who knows when you'll be blitzkreig'ing my Jewish neighbors?"

"You have Jewish neighbors?" Ed asked, curious.

"No, but I could!" The man waved dismissively at the sixteen-year-old. "Now go away, I'm working."

Ed sighed and got up from the couch, stretching. "Fine," he muttered. "I'll leave. I'll go to my room and cut my wrists because you aren't giving me the attention I need. My mom died, you know."

"Right, whatever, go away."

"Jerk."

The sounds of footsteps walking up the wooden steps were heard, and Roy grinned as he turned back to his computer.

"So…age…sex…location?" he spoke aloud as he typed. A small ding was heard as the reply was immediate.

"A thirty-two year old female in Central, New York?" he read aloud. "Holy shit, that's my age…and that's the same city where I live! I'm…32…too…and…a…man…who…lives…in…Central…Wanna…meet…up?"

Another ding was heard.

"Yes? Yes? She said yes?" the black-haired man grinned, pumping a fist in the air secretly. "Score!"

"You do realize that MySpace is for pedophiles, right?" Ed asked nonchalantly, observing his fingernails. "The person you were just talking with _could_ be a twelve year old boy from Norway, you unnatural sexual pervert."

Roy jumped in his seat, hands flying to cover the computer's monitor. "Ed!" he hissed, narrowing his black eyes. "Can't you at least let me work in peace?"

The blond boy cocked an eyebrow. "You call picking up little boys on the Internet work?" he shook his head. "I can only imagine what you do for a living then."

The doorbell rang.

The chief of police glared at Ed. "I think you might want to get that…" he growled.

"It's not _my_ door though—"

"You better play pretend and open it."

"What if it's a killer?"

"Then give them a dollar."

"Or a rapist?"

"Give them _two_ dollars."

"What about a Jehovah's Witness?"

Roy actually thought about this. "Well, then calmly take whatever pamphlet they give you, act like you'll go to their church, and then throw the shit in the trash once they go away."

"Okay then." The doorbell rang again, three times. Ed was annoyed.

"How rude," he commented, walking to the door. Then the culprit started knocking on the door. "Hold _on_, I'm coming!"

Ed swung open the door. "What do you…want…"

The resident creep's violet eyes were wide as he smiled his unnaturally evil grin. "Hey Blondie." Envy purred, leaning in the doorway. "What're _you_ doing in a place like this?"

"I live here." Ed deadpanned, and made to slam the door shut. Envy grabbed the door, forcing it open and smirking.

"Don't be like that!" he whined playfully. "I'm only trying to see Chief Mustang. So, tell him I'm here, would you?"

"Are you lying to me?" the shorter teen asked suspiciously.

Envy smiled dishonestly. "Does it _look_ like I'd lie to you?" he asked sweetly.

"Yes."

The smile twitched. "Well, I'm not. So go get Roy."

"Hmm." Edward turned around for a moment. "Roy! There's a creepy guy here who dresses like a homosexual and keeps trying to get into my pants! He says he wants to see you!"

"Here I come!"

Ed turned back around. "He's coming."

Envy rolled his eyes. "I heard." He waggled his eyebrows. "So, what's this about me getting into your pants?"

"Not happening."

Roy walked up. "What's not happening?" he looked at the doorway. "Oh, hi Envy. Did you come to repent for your sins yet?"

His godson looked up at him. "You're Catholic too?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Protestant, but who cares?" the cop replied, shrugging. "So, what do you want?"

"I need a job. I want to get a PS3."

Ed snorted. "Why don't you just _steal_ it then?" he muttered.

Envy smiled, annoyed. "Because _apparently_ the securities at the game stores are much too _secure_ for me to get by. If I could steal it, then believe me when I say I wouldn't be standing here looking over _your_ short but hot ass."

Roy chuckled. "Envy, you're so unsuspicious and lovable." He scratched his chin. "I guess I can let you babysit my godsons tomorrow."

"What?" Ed demanded. "I'm sixteen!"

"So? Are you supposed to be responsible or something? Because you steal guns, and stealing guns just isn't cool." The cop shook his head as he spoke, crossing his arms.

"You _gave_ me the gun!" the blond teenager growled, trying to face up Roy, but failing miserably due to the fact that he only came up to the man's chest. "And besides, how old is _this_ jerk?! I thought he was the same age as me!"

The green-haired teen cackled. "You're kidding me, right?" he asked, amused. "I'm eighteen, kid. I'm a senior. I'm only in that class with you because I _want_ to be, if you know what I mean." He grinned suggestively.

Ed flushed, embarrassed. "Can I shoot him? Please?" he begged his godfather.

"No Ed, he's your babysitter. I don't think you're supposed to shoot your babysitters. You can go to jail for that…_I think_."

"You suck at this cop thing."

"No, the crime rate has actually decreased since I became chief of police." Roy replied, smiling.

"And how did you accomplish this?" Ed asked, frowning.

"I sent all the juvenile delinquents to that school you go to, and the really bad criminals are there as teachers. I mean… its better then jail."

Envy grinned. "Anal rape isn't fun."

"Shut up, creep." Ed turned back to his godfather. "So, why is _he_ the one to be my 'babysitter'? I think he wants to touch me inappropriately!"

"No I don't…at least not in public."

"See?!"

The black-haired man put a hand on Ed's head to calm him down. "The guy needs money, and I need to make sure my house doesn't get trashed while I'm on my hot date with this lady I met on MySp—…Work. Okay?"

The golden-eyed boy huffed and pointed a finger at Roy's chest threateningly. "Just wait until I tell Al how you're leaving us with a child molester!" he hissed, and he stalked away angrily.

"I'm not interested in your little brother!" Envy called out to his retreating form. "I don't do optimism!"

"That was sick!" Ed yelled back. "I'll tell him about _your_ true motives too!"

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Mister Envy is a pirate?!"

Ed smacked his forehead in frustration. "I didn't _say_ that, Al!" he groaned. "I said 'Envy is a thieving jackass that wants your booty'. Wait…never mind."

Al hummed. "What I don't understand is your animosity for Mister Envy. He really is a nice guy!" he insisted.

"Really now?" the older brother asked, obviously unconvinced. "Then tell me, why has he tried to get into my pants _seven_ times in the four days I've been at that school?"

"Why are you counting how many times a guy tries to get into your pants anyway?" his brother retorted.

Ed blinked. "Er, well, I—" he stuttered, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"Don't try and explain it, brother." Al interrupted, holding up a hand. "There is no other explanation for your homosexuality, brother."

"What?"

"Your homosexuality." Alphonse repeated.

"My what?"

"Your gayness."

The shorter brother gaped. "Are you calling me what I _think_ you're calling me?" he demanded.

"Gay?" Al replied with a smile. "Yes, I am brother. You should probably embrace it. You know, come out the proverbial closet."

Ed was baffled. His mouth was open but no words were coming out.

Al chuckled. "Oh brother, you can close your mouth now. There's nothing phallic _here_ to be stuck in it."

And Edward screamed, scrambling out the room.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

The next day, Ed was still shocked.

Dorochet looked at him for a long while, like a psychiatrist or a mentally slow dog. "Do ya have diabetes or somethin'?" The second option is a very maybe.

The blond looked at him with wide eyes. "Are you an honest person?" he asked quietly.

"Is _anyone_ in this school honest?" the two-toned hair teenager retorted, crossing his arms. "Don't be stupid, man."

"Okay, let me rephrase that. Are you opinionated?"

"Hell yeah. I gots opinions on _everyone_. Barry is a crazy fuck, fer one."

"I agree." Ed said. He inhaled slowly. "Do I come across as gay to you?"

Dorochet stared at him. And then he made a funny face.

And he laughed.

"Y-yer kiddin' me, right?" he asked between gasps of air. "Youse like the biggest fag I've seen since _Envy_! You might wanna cut that hair, lose those pleather pants, and ditch the gay shirt if you wanna at least _look_ straight!"

Edward frowned. "These pants are _not_ pleather, since real cows were hunted to make this fabulous article of clothing."

"Fag." Dorochet said teasingly, punching him on the arm playfully. "I'm cool wit' it, though. Youse too much fun to get all homophobic over."

That did not ease Ed's worries in the least.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

Ling stared Edward down, bare arms crossed.

Edward looked back at him, his face serious and his hands on his hips arrogantly.

Izumi groaned. "Boys!" she shouted. "The lesson was to kick ass, not stare dreamily into the other's eyes! This is why gay guys aren't allowed in the army, people!"

Ed scowled. "That was a low blow!" he yelled back.

"Did I strike a nerve, sweetheart?" the gym teacher purred, smirking cockily. "C'mon, take out your homosexual anger on lover boy, not me! I'll fail you if you don't!"

Ling smiled. "There is a proverb from my country that describes this situation perfectly," he commented. He coughed into his fist. "As Chi Lao of the Qin Dynasty spoke: 'A man who feels for another man is not a man at all, but a woman with masculine organs. To be approached with one of these is to feel the overwhelming urge to kick the ass of thou opponent.' Lucky my opponent is _you_, girly man!" Ling assumed some stereotypical Kung-fu pose.

"Don't get cocky because of some Japanese bullshit, Chang!" Ed retorted, cracking his neck ominously.

Ling scowled. "I'm fucking _Chinese_ you stupid American!" he growled, attempting to kick at the shorter teen's face.

Edward smirked. "Don't get worked up, Taiwan," he taunted. Another kick was aimed at his face, making him get kind of annoyed. "You know, if you'd open your eyes, you actually might hit me."

A punch was thrown, and it _almost_ hit Ed, if it weren't for the blond's ridiculously convenient knowledge of acrobatics and amazing gymnast skills.

"Sorry, try again!" Ed crowed, doing a triple back flip in the opposite direction of Ling.

The Chinese teen gaped. "Teacher!" he called. "That is not fair! He's pulling a faggot and using his body in ways it shouldn't be used!"

Izumi cocked an eyebrow. "Seems to me like you're about to get your ass kicked, Ling," she replied, observing her fingernails idly.

Ling paused. "What?"

Edward did some sort of cartwheel with one hand and kicked Ling in the back of the head. The Chinese martial artist fell over, clutching his head in pain.

Izumi walked up to him, almost impressed. "Wow, if it weren't for the fact that I kicked your ass singlehandedly with a purse, I'd almost respect you."

Ed blinked. "Thanks…I think."

She grinned. "Okay, my turn!" and she roundhouse kicked him in the face, sending him flying across the gym into the group of other students waiting their turn to get their asses kicked.

"Pussy!" she shouted.

Edward looked up, dazed, into the eyes of some random classmate. "I'm…not…a…_pussy_…" and he passed out.

"What a pussy." That same classmate commented, poking at his forehead.

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Edward Elric?" a voice called through the haze that surrounded Ed's head.

He opened his eyes blearily, focusing on the blurry figure in front of him. "Is…is this _hell_?" he asked weakly. "It smells like I always imagined hell to smell like…like a whore."

"Bitch _please_," the voice snapped. The sound of rubber snapping on skin was heard, and his eyes snapped open, almost immediately clearing.

"Who are you?" Ed asked, frightened. A blond, excessively attractive woman donned in a nurse's uniform looked down at him, smiling creepily.

"I'm the school nurse, Nurse Psiren," she said. "I'll be servicing you for today."

Ed looked at her carefully. "Right," he said, getting out the bed. "I've got to go to class now. So, uh, bye."

"How do you leave," Nurse Psiren began sultrily. "When you have no clothes?"

And it was true, as he really wasn't wearing any clothes.

"What the hell did you do with my leather pants?" he demanded, covering himself with the sheet of the bed.

Nurse Psiren smiled. "They're in a special place…" she replied.

"Your _vagina_?"

"No, you moron!" she snapped, whapping him on the head. "Your clothes are in the damn closet!"

"Oh. Well, can I wear them? I don't want to miss Kimblee's class."

Nurse Psiren smirked. "Oh, don't worry…" she purred, wriggling her latex gloved hand. "This'll be quick. You need a prostate exam."

"What?!" Ed cried. "No the hell I don't! I'm not even gay!"

Much like an awkward moment in a bad sitcom, everything came to a halt at that moment, even the sexy Barry White music in the background.

She blinked. "You aren't?" she demanded. "Then why the hell are you here? I don't do _straight_ guys!"

Edward, who was scared out of his wits, blinked at the situation. He quietly slid out the bed, walking towards the closet, still naked. "Well, uh, I'm just going to leave. I'll get my clothes from this closet and I'll go to Kimblee's class and blow shit up and I'll forget this school even _has_ a nurse."

"Hold it!" Nurse Psiren growled, turning around. "You owe me some _pillow talk_, young man!"

"What?"

"Sit down!"

"But, Kimblee—"

"I said _sit down_."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"—and when I said my real name, was _Clara_, all the girls laughed at me! They laughed! Can you believe that?"

Edward shook his head. "I still can't believe you used to wear braces and glasses and was as flat as a board with bad skin complexion."

Nurse Psiren smiled. "You are _such_ a good listener. I should give you a hug."

And she did. The nurse hugged him passionately, wrapping her arms around the short teenager.

_Cleavage!_ Edward thought, cringing. _Dear God, it's in my face!_ He pushed her away, smiling nervously.

"Look, Nurse Psiren, I loved talking to you, but I've got to go. I'll, uh, talk to you later."

And he walked out the nurse's office, singing "_Psycho nurse_" underneath his breath.

Russell passed by him. "You can say that again," he replied, shuddering at the sight of the nurse's normal looking door.

Ed scratched at his skin. "I think I feel dirty."

"You wouldn't be the first boy, _believe me_."

Russell walked out at that, the stolen hall patrol sash still hanging off his shoulder. Edward stared at him for a moment, and then asked the most random question possible in his entire life.

"What are you in here for?" he called.

The taller blond stopped and looked at Edward, his one seen eye wide.

"No one's ever asked me that before…" he said, amazed. "This is new. I'm in here for thievery and pretending to be other people. What about you?"

"I'm here because my godfather wants me to be here."

"Ouch. Your godfather doesn't love you."

"I noticed."

"You might want to get to class, or I'll be forced to write you up."

"Can you really do that?"

Russell frowned. "No." And he returned to his normal smirk. "But the power makes me feel good."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

Kimblee's class was _just_ about to start explanation of the blowing up of shit once Edward walked in, and the greasy-haired teacher grinned at the blond's entrance.

"I was kind of wondering where my best student had gone!" he exclaimed, ushering the boy towards his usual partner. Alfons smiled back at him, eyes closed. "Today's shit is quite…complex." Kimblee, for once, was not smiling.

"Woo!" some student in the background cried.

Kimblee shook his head. "You shouldn't be happy when I am not happy, child," he said gloomily, intertwining his fingers. "If I do not smile, then what must occur, children?"

"We do not smile." The students all chorused morosely.

The teacher grinned. "Great!" he said. "The shit to be blasted today might offend some nerds in this class. Alfons! I know _you_ must like Yu-Gi-Oh!"

The Neo-Nazi blinked. "Are you kidding me?" he replied, amused. "Yu-Gi-Oh is for the Jews. Who I don't like, by the way."

"However did I know?" Ed commented underneath his breath.

Kimblee was undeterred. "What about _you_, Edward?" he asked. "Do you like Naruto?"

The blond tapped his chin. "Not _really_…I mean, the show has its points, but it gets off subject too much for me."

"Well, then today's shit will not offend anyone of you then, since my two geeks in this class are not enamored with nerdy shit, as the rest of you children are as gangster as they come."

"Fo real, dawg." A student agreed, nodded his dreadlocked head.

"Indeed!" Kimblee smiled evilly. "Today's shit is…NARUTO HEADBANDS. Don't these things just _piss you the fuck off_? I mean, LOOK at them!" He held up a headband by the cloth part. "Extra credit if you manage to blow the metal part off! Now get your shit up here, like usual."

Alfons poked Ed. "If you get the stuff, I'll start formulating a certain degree of chemicals that are able to disintegrate metal," he whispered.

Ed smirked. "When you do that, I'll also work on loosening the metal period. We make such an awesome team."

"That we do, now let's get started!"

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"I think I love the way you think." Alfons commented, eating a pork sausage happily.

Ed grinned. "Did I ever mention how awesome it must be to want to become a rocket scientist?" he replied, eating at his sandwich.

"I want to become a ninja." Envy commented, leaning against the table.

The blondes jumped back, shocked. "When the hell did _you_ get here?" Ed demanded.

The green-haired senior smirked. "Is that any way to treat your babysitter?" he cooed, poking Edward on the nose cutely.

Alfons gave him a weird look. "Aren't you sixteen?" he asked.

"My godfather doesn't trust me for _some_ odd reason. It's not like I'd throw a party if I'm home alone!"

Envy rolled his eyes. "Are you done bitching about that again?" he asked. "It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's that he needs more time to get used to you!" He rested his forearm on Ed's shoulder. "He's a single man whose now got custody of two teenagers, give him a break!"

The entire cafeteria stared at him.

He blinked. "What the hell are you all looking at?" he demanded. "It's a fairly common situation!"

Ed still stared. "You just accomplished the one thing I _never_ thought you could," he said slowly.

"What?"

"You have managed to _creep me out _more than ever. I didn't think it was possible."

The Neo-Nazi tapped him on the shoulder. "With Envy," he whispered in his ear. "_Anything_ is possible."

"I noticed—Hey! Hands away from my ass, creep!"

"Why do you _always_ notice?" Envy asked, irked. "You must be creepier than me to have a hand radar on your ass!"

Edward placed a hand on the taller teenager' shoulder carefully.

"Envy," he said solemnly. "There is nothing in this world, and I mean _nothing_, that is creepier than you."

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Shut the fuck up."

"You heard the man…" Envy whispered, playing with Ed's long golden braid.

Ed glared. "_Hands_ off the _hair_," he hissed quietly.

"And what would you do if I keep them on?" the green-haired teen asked, smirking. "It's gotta include no clothes, your hair down, and a bed for me to agree though."

"Stop it!"

"Shut the _fuck_ up." Sig growled, narrowing his beady eyes.

"_Stop it_!"

"Make me."

"Argh!"

"If you don't shut the _fuck_ up, I'll shut you the fuck up!" Sig snapped, leaning back in his chair.

The entire class was shocked.

"Sig just said more than four words." A student said incredulously. "That new kid must be really special to get that far."

Envy smiled. "See?" he whispered. "They think you're special!"

"Stop touching my hair!"

**--SCENE BREAK!—**

"Roy, I swear to God I'll _destroy_ you if you let that unnatural sexual pervert babysit me!" Edward snapped, Alphonse chuckling behind him.

Roy looked up from his paperwork. "Look Ed," he said calmly. "I'd just like you to know that I don't care. Rant to someone else."

Ed huffed. "Fine!" He flagged down a passing police officer. "Are you willing to listen to a teenager's whining?"

The cop blinked, and then he grinned. "Only if _you're_ willing to hear about my daughter. She is the _shiznit_!"

Maybe he didn't make the best choice with Hughes, of all people.

**END 5**

* * *

I hate Naruto headbands. With a PASSION. They are so _stupid_ looking.

I tried to cut down on the race jibes, since maybe I really _will_ get flagged for saying words like 'nigga' and 'Jew' and not writing in the South Park section.

LOL I totally think Psiren is hot, but I cannot express these feeling through this fanfic. The shame, as I think of her while I…sleep. Yeah. Sleep.


End file.
